new year, new picture, new problems. i've been overly neglectful. december was quite a shitty month, finals up until the 22nd or 23rd and i worked my ass off for that. i got in a huge fight with my mom on finals week in which we yelled at each other in the parking lot of perkins and she rolled up her window and drove away from me as i was trying to get her to stay and talk things out, and i fucking chased her out of the parking lot. ummm what else... this might've been before, but i also got in a huge fight with mike, probably the biggest one ever (we've only fought, like three times), because he'd met this girl in one of his classes and they'd been getting along really well, and they went to the bar together a couple of times, and then she kissed him. Mike felt awful about it. He suggested that if i wanted to, we could break up. i certainly didn't want to break up, but i was pretty upset about it. mostly because... well i trust mike, and it wasn't an issue of thinking that mike would cheat on me, but really whether he SHOULD. whether he should find a girl better than me that lives in iowa city and whether that would be better than him. i dont want him to do that, but i do spend a lot of time feeling like im not good enough.

i felt like i should confess something too, so i told him about the crush i have on maui. and he said okay, and started talking about something else, and then i just fucking freaked out over it, because i had been feeling so guilty about it for such a long time, and it was really hard for me to say, and he sort of blew it off, and i yelled at him about a lot of other things too, like how he talks and talks and i listen to everything he says but when *I* finally have something to say, he doesn't pay attention. it evolved into us talking about a LOT of stuff that we should have talked about before, mainly that we both feel like we're not good enough for the other, and i think that he's too smart for me to i just listen to him and agree with everything he says, but sort of resent him for that, and he feels like he's not good enough for me and needs to prove how cool he is by talking a lot about things he knows and how stupid other people are.

we're idiots. we fucking love each other so much we just act like idiots trying to prove ourselves to each other.

what else? christmas. i went to iowa for christmas, and spent it with mike's family. they are so nice, and they really like me a lot. they bought me an assload of presents. but mike has major problems dealing with his family, mainly his mom, and i should have known that they wouldn't be able to spend two days together without fighting. i think my opinion of his mom has really changed. she's a nice woman to me, and i really appriciate the hospitality she's shown me while mike and i have been dating, but damn, i hate the way she treats mike sometimes. he can be a bit of a brat, and he picks fights often with his mom and his sister, but i dont like the way she treats him. i certainly dont get why she favors mike's sister, because she should feel damn lucky to have a boy like him for a son. he's amazing. he's smart and a good student and a kind person... blah blah. i'm going to try to avoid mike's mom's house as much as possible, though i love his lesbian grandmas. aww so cute, with their nautical-themed house and two cats.

another holiday, another fight, it seems like. i knew new years eve wasn't going to work out well. i wanted to see my friends for new years, since i left for iowa right away when xmas break started and i hadn't seen anyone in SO LONG... i sort of forgot that my friends fucking suck and i couldnt find anyone to hang out with, really, and tweaked out about that for awhile. my parents left town and i got becky to come out here, and mike bought us some delicious beers, and our intentions were to drink in my room and watch gravitation.

good plan!! i thought. you can't go wrong with cheesy jpop anime and beers. except for fucking BECKY thought it nessesary to start telling stories about acid and pot and sleeping pills, of which mike has PLENTY of stories about and i have NONE... this went on, honestly, for several hours while i drank more and stewed and finally, pretty drunk i wandered upstairs and sat at the kitchen table until mike came up to talk to me... i was in that mad-drunk place and i had a knife in hand which i REALLY wanted to hack something apart with. in all honesty i really wanted to put it through my own forearm. i scared the crap out of mike with it, which i admit i dont really feel bad about. i almost made him cry and it was really, really satisfying.

ive always had this problem with taking my self-esteem problems out on other people, and that's definatly what was going on there. but wanting to see mike cry... that's not about wanting to make him suffer. it's just gorgeous and satisfying on a completely different level.

we worked that shit out too, maybe not as well as we should have, but it was okay. we had our new year's kiss, and we watched gravitation. always hilarious. i love beckykins to death, i do. i missed her. now i need to pee and i've gone on and on about all the arguements ive had lately, thank god i've got therapy tomorrow and it seems like i've become a really irritating person at the moment. i promise to come back and write a funny entry later.

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i'm about to change your pretty life - May. 02, 2005
complicate me - Apr. 28, 2005
zombie.nation - Mar. 28, 2005
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tomorrow i'll be you - Mar. 02, 2005