jessie: wow, i've been listening to lots of orgy and manson and deadsy, and lots of bands that, i dont know...
brain: have synth in them?
jessie: maybe...
brain: gee, who do we know who plays synth...
jessie: *perks up* amir derakh?
brain: *raises eyebrow*
jessie: he's pretty...
brain: *raises eyebrow higher*
jessie: *lower lip quivers like an anime girl's* *whimpers*
brain: jeeessieee....
jessie: okay, okay! GRANT! okay!

i'm retarded.

i dont know what's wrong with me. i know im doing something incredibly stupid. everyone around me is telling me im being incredibly stupid. i know i've got a great thing going with mike. i know grant's a ho and we'd fool around once, a couple times as best. and it probably wont be very good. it probably won't be worth it.

but i can't get over it. im fucking obsessed. drunk off my ass last night (my 21st birthday), all i could do was talk about him. i think i talked becky's ear off. eventually i had to call him, and we talked for a minute, and he seemed excited to talk to me, and he said he would call me in a couple days and we should hang out at jazz's (his friend and bandmate) sometime soon.

argh. i talked to both jackie and lindsey online this morning and they were both like "y'know, do what you want... but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

this way leads pain and badness. i know it. even if everything works out perfectly, it's okay with mike, and grant actually calls me, and we hang out, and we fool around or have sex (the odds of all this going well are so, so slim), then you know what's going to happen. im going to get attached. im going to get fucking attached to grant and it's not supposed to be anything serious, and we're going to have to break it off and im going to feel like shit. in the meantime, ive given mike license to sleep with whoever he wants, and i've got to deal with that with no right to complain.

what the fuck am i doing? im fucking retarded. THIS WAY LEADS PAIN AND BADNESS!

plan: talk to mike tonight. see what happens there. after that, if i haven't dispelled the idea of fooling around with grant, wait for grant to call. maybe go to a party. see what happens.

i dont know. im all torn up inside. i feel heartbroken already and nothing's even happened yet.

"you make this all go away
i'm starting to scare myself
i just want something i can never have."
-Nine Inch Nails

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i'm about to change your pretty life - May. 02, 2005
complicate me - Apr. 28, 2005
zombie.nation - Mar. 28, 2005
tottmacher - Mar. 15, 2005
tomorrow i'll be you - Mar. 02, 2005