it's not as though things haven't been going on, it's just that i've neglected to talk about them. the grant issue is very up-and-down, and i can't seem to make up my mind about it, and i've decided i shouldnt be talking about it on the internet anymore.

but i FEEL. LIKE. SHIT.

[continues to talk about it] ive been crying for a while because i love mike but i cant help being angry at him, even though he's acting in the best interests of our relationship i cant help feeling like it's me vs. him. he's keeping me from getting what i want and i can't help but take it out on him ("waaa i never get to do anything fun"). i would really like to sleep with grant but i don't want to lose mike, i know its not worth it and the odds are pretty good that i'm going to have a bad experience with grant but GOD i just want to have some kind of experience, you know? do i really only want to sleep with one man for my whole life, when i already feel like shit because mike's had more experience than me? he had his fun. he went crazy. he did drugs and had sex with his ex girlfriend on a balcony in hawaii. when do i get to have my fun?

it wouldnt be so bad if grant hadn't told me that he wanted to go down on me with that huge tongue stud, when mike hasn't gone down on me since we first started dating, months ago, and actually, something i've been thinking about a lot today, has never gotten me off. and i'm starting to feel like im never going to be really happy.

and then there's jacob. even though grant's the one who wants to fuck me in real life, i end up thinking about jacob sometimes. not even in a sexy way. not even in a romantic way. but god, i just worry about that kid. i just feel like he needs me. the more i told mike about jacob (bipolar, way too much sex for a kid his age), the more mike told me that he was completely the wrong kind of person to be attracted to, but it just really makes me feel like he needs me. that's my boys. that's the fall-aparts.

i want them to fuck me, i want to fix them, i want to be them. even more than i want to fuck grant, i just want to be him. beautiful, confident, sexy. i know i could never be like that. but i know i do have a few more holes in my face since i met that boy.

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are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around? - May. 04, 2005
i'm about to change your pretty life - May. 02, 2005
complicate me - Apr. 28, 2005
zombie.nation - Mar. 28, 2005
tottmacher - Mar. 15, 2005